He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
