At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
