Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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