So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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