I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
