Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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