she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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