i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
