At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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