By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
