so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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