you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
