I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
