please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
