everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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