hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
