My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
