you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
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who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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