You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
