Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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