I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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