I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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