Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
