hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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