We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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