Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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