I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
