He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
