i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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