Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
