Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
