The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize