these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
