a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
