Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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