I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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