just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
