theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
