woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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