so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
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Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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