honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
