I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
