I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
