smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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