I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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