your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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