you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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