I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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