i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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