everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
