So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
