Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
