She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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