You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
