fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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