I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
