Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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