just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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