There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
